Insanity isn’t doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result

That is being stupid. Insanity is thinking that you’re the one who can do all that and it works out.  Because YOU are he one who is always handing out that sort of advice, you know the stuff you can never follow? You are the one who is always telling someone to do one thing while you go off and do he exact opposite.

That is insanity. Being that guy (and yes you are THAT guy, no one likes you) who thinks he or she is above the advice they give and go off and be morons just because they were smart enough for a moment to tell someone to not be stupid.

The Historical Re-enactor’s Creed

We are the people to whom the past is forever speaking.
We listen to it because we cannot help ourselves,
for the past speaks to us with many voices.

Far out of that dark nowhere, which is the time before we were born,
men and women who were flesh of our flesh and bone of our bone,
went through fire and storm to break a path to the future.

We are part of the future they died for. They are a part of the past that brought the future. What they did, the lives they endured, the sacrifices they made, the stories they told, and the songs they sung, and finally, the deaths they died, make up a part of our own experience.
We cannot cut ourselves off from it.

It is as real to us as something that happened yesterday..
Anonymous

If there is one thing I am good at it is self therapy

I am sitting here awake at 3 in the morning, now in my second month of insomnia/sleep dep/whatever you feel like calling it when I got the itch to write something. Problem is, my life hasn’t been the best it could be these last 3 weeks or so. And so I though, what can I write about, because I am certainly not in a good mood at all.

Everyone says that “they’ve been through a lot”. Because you can argue it’s true. Life sucks so much that everyone has been a lot. And we deal with it in different ways. Some do drugs. Some fight. Some drink. Some are abusive, some and introverted, some seek professional help. And I do probably the worst (besides maybe the drugs) is that I hold it in.

I won’t give you the sob story of my life, you probably don’t care all that much. But I have had kind of a shitty life. A lot of trauma and a lot of crazy shit that fucked me up. But I was young, and I had no one to talk to. And I had no one to give me advice. So I held it in, and lo and behold it exploded on me. Turns out I am a time bomb of rage, aggression and anger issues from here to china. But lucky for the rest of the world, I am good at controlling it. Because for some reason, for all the shit people have put me through and all the bad things that have happened, I don’t want to punish people whom I don’t know.

So I control it. And hold it in. And when I don’t, I turn into a force of pure anger and hatred. I have put my fists through walls, destroyed locker rooms, ripped doors off of hinges and get into fights just so I can feel something bleed. Self Therapy. That’s what I do, each and every day. Control exercised over myself so I don’t do something stupid.

I’m halfway done with this, and I finally remember what I wanted to write about. And it’s about what led to this and what it’s really all about. I have maybe 4 or 5 people in the world I consider to be my best friends. These are the only people who know the real me. Who I am completely open and vulnerable to. And anyone who is a true friend of mine knows what I do to be as best a friend as I can be.

Because I have been alone almost my whole life. I have had few friends and of the few I have had almost all have used and left me. And people aren’t meant to be alone. Because that means silence and when that’s all you have, that means you think to much.

A few weeks ago I lost one of those friends. I lost her out of our combined stupidity at a decision she made and how I reacted to it. We were both idiots to think that things would stay the same after that. We were hopeful enough to think that it would fix something that wasn’t broken and we both reacted badly to it. I said things that I regret and I don’t know how she feels, only how I hope she feels.

I have known her for going on 4 years now. And as soon as I got to know her I knew, I knew that I would know her for life. We just hit it off immediately. We were best friends. We told each other everything, in her worst times I was there. In my worst times so was she. We were so close that everyone around us thought we were together. Hell there were several pools running on when we would get together.

It was stupidity and jealousy the drove us apart. Some of it in our control and some of it beyond. And now three weeks later, we’ve talked it to death, we’ve tried to figure us out but we’ve come up empty. So now we wait. We wait until she feels ready to talk again. Or until I go so stir crazy I lose it. But going back to that anger and control we talked about earlier, I am patient.

It’s a terrible feeling to realize that two people can only be best friends when they’re both single, otherwise they have to be together. Because whomever they are with, that friendship is a time bomb that will eventually go off. And the worst part about it is that it’s because of how they are friends.

And no amount of self therapy can change that. So I did it three weeks ago and I am gonna do it again. I’ll just drink.

Cheers

What talking to my therapist did for me

It just made realize that I have reached an apex of my life. You know how when you describe a bad situation, you usually say “I’ve had worse”. Over the past 2 weeks I have hit that worst for the time being. Whenever I describe any other bad thing in my life, it’s finally in perspective because I know what the worst is.

Happy Thursday Everybody

Never Forget

For some reason this topic struck me, so I decided to write about it while it was on my mind.

I am a fairly easy person to get along with, ask anyone who knows me and they would agree. I am not high maintenance, quite nice, and if you’re a friend, loyal beyond all things. However that loyalty comes with a price. And that price is trust.

If you are a friend, I trust you with everything. I will be an open book and you can ask anythin and I will answer and I will never lie to you. But if you break that trsut, I don’t forget. And this changes the relationship forever.

I will always forgive my friends, for almost anything they do to me. However, if they break my confidence and destroy the faith and trust I put into them, I never forget. I have been blessed (or cursed) with a memory that can recall almost anything that someone has done. My mind if full of random knowledge and facts I pick up and never forget. I will always remember what you did.

You apologize and we’re done. I will forgive and move on. But I don’t forget, and don’t expect my trust, or quite as much loyalty as you had before.

For those days that you need some Walt Whitman and a pick me up

I see all the menials of the earth laboring,
I see all the prisoners in the prisons,
I see the defective human bodies of the earth,
The blind, the deaf and dumb, idiots, hunchbacks, lunatics,
The pirates, thieves, betrayers, murderers, slave-makers of the earth,
The helpless infants, and the helpless old men and women.

I see male and female everywhere,
I see the serene brotherhood of philosophs,
I see the constructiveness of my race,
I see the results of the perseverance and industry of my race,
I see ranks, colors, barbarisms, civilizations, I go among them, I mix indiscriminately,
And I salute all the inhabitants of the earth.

And you of the numberless islands of the archipelagoes of the sea!
And you of centuries hence when you listen to me!
And you each and everywhere whom I specify not, but include just the same!
Health to you! good will to you all, from me and America sent!

Each of us inevitable,
Each of us limitless - each of us with his or her right upon the earth,
Each of us allow’d the eternal purports of the earth,
Each of us here as divinely as any is here.